The Testicle Tour 2009 - Tour Diary




The Introduction Video



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Dr Chris Steele addresses the group and prepares to start the walk with his very loud horn!

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Dr Chris does an impression of the world famous Atlas…..we think Dr Chris looks much more the part with his fluffy testicle!


Everyone pumping up their testicles…notice how some prefer the kneel down method and some prefer the standing up method….each to their own!


Holy Cow…..Dicky Miller reckons this pose will get him on the centre spread of Heat magazine…no chance, more like “Horse and Hounds”…what a beast!


Is that a fag in Darren’s mouth? it can’t be…surely it’s not a tampon?….of course not! it’s the valve for his saggy fluffy testicle.

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Alan “Oscar” Wayland…living legend…he was still in bed when the mini-bus arrived to pick him up at 7.05am….ten minutes later he goes back to sleep….quite a few thought he was dead at this stage…Alan blamed it on his alarm clock….nothing to do with the 10 cans of Stella the night before then Alan mate?


Our first photo of the day…the group at the London Eye


Darren and Nick O’Hara Smith with Dr Chris….careful with your horn Dr Chris!


A cracking photo from Ryan…..really displays the testicles well and captures the imagination and ambience of the occasion…..that's photographer speak by the way…The Testicle Tour would just say “Bloody good photo mate, don’t our b*ll*cks look great?”


The group in front of the famous wobbly Millennium Bridge and with St Pauls Cathedral in the background…..we’d only walked about half a mile since the start and Nick O’Hara Smith is laying down at the front for a rest!


“To be or not to be?”…”Romeo, Romeo…do you check your nuts?”….outside the famous Globe Theatre where Shakespeare showcased his plays! Some of the lads got well excited when we told them the place was full of thespians…they thought we said lesbians!!


Grotesque…ugly or what?…it’s horrible!…and look at the bloke with the cut across his face outside the London Dungeon.


It had to be done…Balls Brother wine bar….after all we are all “Balls Brothers” aren't we?


Someone re-created Darren’s famous little “Walnut Whip”…although of course there should have been only one testicle present…but they did it to remind Darren of what having two looks like! If you've got no idea what Darren's walnut whip is, buy his book!


Hello Sailor!….in front of the famous HMS Belfast.

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Darren comes to the finale of his ballsy version of “It’s Raining Men”….called “It’s Raining Balls!”….see the large testicle highest in the air…this twatted Darren right on his head upon its downfall…see the video below for more!


Now that is one big Dick…..and we’re not talking about James Couchman on the left!


This was the size of Darren’s testicle a week before his op!.....that’s not a used condom in his hand is it? ....Can’t be Darren’s…it’s too big!


Little and large.


Outside City Hall, the Lord Mayors office….which is also known as The Glass Testicle…Boris Johnson, do you check your plums?

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Everyman lady Tatiana slightly scraped her finger during lunch break, yet fellow survivor and first aid responder Nigel Terry rushed over to help and to offer words of comfort….it was like watching a scene from Baywatch as Nigel sprinted across the pavement, albeit minus the red trunks (thankfully) …..first aid box under his arm….now if that was a bloke who cut his finger, what’s the betting Nigel would have said “wait until I’ve had my lunch will you!” The power that pretty ladies' hold is awesome isn't it? Even funnier was that our first aider and Health and safety marshall were both blocking a fire door from inside City Hall. Priceless!


Darren gives out a dirty look after someone told him to shove that bloody megaphone somewhere…he used it all day and gave everyone ear-ache!


Makes you proud to be English…the mighty Tower Bridge and a rabble of fluffy testicles…what an English combination…like Fish and Chips, Morecombe and Wise….


You don’t see this every day in London…..a fairly empty tourist bus!....Cracking photo of us all taking over Tower Bridge. At one point a couple of boats below nearly hit each other…they were too busy looking at our dangling testicles!


We took over Tower Bridge and we wouldn't leave until every bloke present checked his balls…okay it was busy and we got jammed in with the tourists, but it sounds good doesn't it?


Forget about the crown jewels inside The Tower of London…look at our fluffy ones outside!


All the testicular cancer survivors together…top from left to right..Martin Carter, Andy Brown, Tim Stollery, Robert Armstrong, Neil Proctor, Matt Wakefield, Stuart Tyler, Richard Bagshaw, Phil Dyson. Bottom row, left to right…Mike Craycraft, Nick O’Hara Smith, Darren Couchman, Chris Baynes, Nigel Terry and Phil Edge. Great bunch of guys!


Darren ( Juan Goolio ) on the right with American testicular cancer survivor Mike Craycraft ( Juan Bahl ) and his good lady Stephanie Bruner…great couple and friends for life. Darren’s face is a picture…perhaps Steph is giving him a prostate check up?


The lovely girls from “Everyman”…Gabriella Iafrate, Tatiana Trposka and Jenny Pearce. They were marshalls for the walk and did a marvelous job….nice face Gabby…you eating some nuts or something?


Darren with Jennie Fox (left) and Anna Haywood (right)….the ladies were blooming marvelous and asked lots of men if they checked their balls.


Lovely photo of all the ladies who took part in the walk….they all wanted to be the official “nut” checker on the day but had to take it in turns....


Apparently if this tower falls, it marks the exact spot of where the great fire of London started in Pudding Lane….GREAT BALLS OF FIRE !


We took a well earned rest under the Millennium Bridge and we were joined by a Scottish fellow in the black t-shirt….he proudly shouted that he checks his nuts!


Darren’s explanation of how you carry out a self check must have been good….this bloke has already got his hand ready…unless they were playing “Give us a Clue” and matey was saying “it’s got three words”.


Darren chatting to a busker near St Pauls Cathedral…Darren asked him to play “Great Balls of Fire” and he duly obliged…good man.


What a sight…on the steps of St Pauls Cathedral….we went to St Pauls and we all checked our balls! Sir Christopher Wren, do you check your knackers?


Fellow survivor Tim Stollery takes a nap…the fluffy testicle makes a great cushion by the way.


At Covent Garden just before we performed our testicular cancer themed songs!

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The group performing our ballsy version of “Nessun Dorma”. Fellow survivor and professional tenor Ezra Williams ( centre with his gob wide open ) kindly wrote these lyrics and did a sterling job of out singing the terrible tones of Darren…thank goodness for Ezra and his wonderful voice…..everyone thoroughly enjoyed performing at Covent Garden…it’s not every day you can tell your grandchildren that you sang a famous opera song in such a prestigious place. Wonderful darling!


James Couchman (left) and Jacob Wicken (right) camp it up with their umbrella’s during the groups alternative rendition of “Singing in the Rain”…which we called “Talking Balls in the Rain”. It has to be said however, that they were naturals at the art of camp (behind Darren of course).


Fellow survivor Nick O’Hara Smith show them how it should be done…although Nick was even more camp than the other two; a few years more practice perhaps?


Darren singing through the megaphone….what an horrendous sound it was….don’t think he’ll be going on the X Factor somehow. Well not as a serious act anyway!


Quite a crowd gathered at Covent Garden to see us perform…okay we knew most of them, but it was still a good turn out.


At last everyone's ears have a rest and get a demonstration of Darren’s impersonation of “I’m a little tea-pot”…sort that pose out ducky!


Busy? It was like Piccadilly Circus!…the rain was coming down at this point, but we all soldiered on. The balls got well soggy and were much heavier at this stage of the walk and the fluffy ones were very damp too.


Outside Buckingham Palace….on the walk up to the palace, a curtain twitched at the front and two woman were staring at us and our balls!…..was it Liz and Camilla? Our apologies Ma’am, but does Phillip check one’s nuts?…mind you at his age, he should be concentrating on his prostate! Oops, we’ve done it now…off with their heads!


We were stopped by the police on approaching Big Ben….Darren showed them the official paperwork detailing that we had permission from Westminster Council and the Met Police, however they wouldn't let  us to go towards that area unless we took the banners down, deflated the balls and hid the megaphone…..yeah right, what was the point of that? it’s a charity walk….don’t you just love the British way of policing things? We had permission, we’re a charity, we weren't collecting money, yet they still stopped us!…meanwhile, the anti-war protestors are allowed to camp outside the Houses of Parliament all year without permission…that just sums it up doesn't it?…..whilst we waited around 45 minutes for PC (jobsworth) Plum to radio his boss, Nick O’Hara Smith asked the rozza's if they’ve had their prostate checked out recently. Arrest that man!

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Stephanie Bruner tries her American charm on the old bill…..thinking back, instead of talking about balls and prostate, we should have got all the ladies present to flash their nunga nunga’s…this would have worked a treat.


Nigel Zucker sat down and got the hump when we told him that Stringfellows and Spearmint Rhino weren't on the walk.


Clowning around with some clowns. How random was bumping into a clowns protest?


At Trafalgar Square in front of Nelson’s Column….our final stop….by this time we were all wet and tired after walking 8 miles and carrying heavy soggy dirty balls…plus we had the fluffy ones to carry as well!


As the police had called our charity walk a “demonstration” earlier, some of the guys decided to be rebels and scaled the bottom of Nelson’s column….they soon got worried when they heard sirens coming towards them…although this is a common sound in London as the police are kept busy rounding up all the naughty charity workers who try and raise awareness by the book! Not that The Testicle Tour is bitter of course....


Darren still with that bloody megaphone…perhaps this is why the police though it was a demonstration after all! Everyone’s thinking “just shut up will you, we want to go home now!”…..we had a great day though and we created a huge impact around London…we were seen by thousands.


The Testicle Tour would like to say a BIG thank you to everyone who took part on the day and who have supported us throughout !