The Testicle Tour 2008 - Tour Diary




The Introduction Video & BBC "Look East" Appearance




Day 1

Arrived at Cock Clarks. Spent 10 minutes trying to work out if camera had a self timer - luckily it did, otherwise this would have been a real kick in the nuts. Sat nav took us down some really narrow roads. Got a bit narked off with it but we forgave it, because the womans voice is quite sexy, especially when she said Cock Clarks. Stopped off in Sudbury to talk to people about testicular cancer awareness. Richard played a blinder. He was giving out leaflets on cancer awareness whilst smoking a roll up !! Genius or what. Bit worried about Richard. Got to hotel room and there was a double bed. He booked them ages ago, however he assures me there's a pull out. What does he mean by that? This diary entry very nearly didn't make it here, because the laptop was on the verge of getting chucked out of the window after crashing more times than a woman driver !

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Day 2

Darren woke up with bits of bog roll stuck in his ears. No he hasn’t lost his marbles, although he has lost one, it’s just that Richard was snoring like a T-Rex all night long. Of course this is due to a medical condition called sleep apnoea which causes him to stop breathing 30 times an hour all through the night.  This is usually sorted out by using the CPAP breathing assist machine, but he left the power lead at home !! Must buy one tomorrow. Darren’s already preparing new bits of paper for tonight.  Richard was watching Darren do his hair this morning – 35 sprays of hair product. Tart.

When looking out of the hotel window this morning, we saw that Chewbacca from star wars had landed the Millennium Falcon in the car park (see photo below). Whilst driving around Richard moaned about Darren’s eyesight and said his driving was awful. This is the man who slowed right down to let some ducks across the road, only to realise that they were only actually large stones ! Should’ve gone to Specsavers !! We had a detour over to PC World in Cambridge to get the Laptop fixed, but still having regular crashes whilst writing this, so not sure when you will be reading this ! Darren did 3 radio interviews today and hopefully has a TV interview tomorrow !!

MEDIA: Interviews with BBC Radio Norfolk, BBC Radio Cambridge & BBC Radio Three Counties.

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Just a random building!!

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Day 3

Darren had a good nights sleep even though Richard still hadn’t bought a power lead for his breathing device. But then again, he did have two pillows strapped around his head. At Balsall Common, Richard leapt over a farm gate into a field of sheep to have a wee. Most of the sheep scarpered when he dropped his trousers, however one did wink at him. We made our way to PC World in Coventry today and Darren parked in a disabled space. When challenged by the security guard he said “I am disabled. I’ve only got one testicle!”. At this point (as always) Darren got into a long conversation with the guy about his balls and he claimed that he didn’t have any! A security guard without balls. Ironic. After calling PC World’s Head Office earlier that day and speaking to Kayleigh (who sent an urgent email to the store) Richard went into PC World and spoke to a great guy also called Darren, who immediately thought the laptop had a memory fault. Following a diagnostic this was proved to be correct and (the other) Darren spoke to the manager and put in new memory from the shelf. This was (the other) Darren’s first day back to work after his Wife gave birth to their baby Daughter Heather just over a week ago. Congratulations to you both. She’s a cutie! This guy deserves promotion for what he’s done for us! Richard had a long talk with Darren in the evening about having a shave for the “This Morning” interview. He hopes the message has sunk in, but you’ll have to watch to see if he took the advice !

MEDIA: Interviews for BBC Radio Coventry & Warwicks (Live), Heart FM & further interview for BBC Radio Cambridge (Live), Leamington Times, Warwick Times & Kennelworth times. Coast Gazette (Clacton). Warwick Courier & Bury Free Press.

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Day 4

Darren had a great night’s sleep last night after Richard managed to get a power lead at last !! After  yesterdays shaving tiff, Darren phoned “This Morning” to see what their view was. It wasn’t until two minutes into that conversation that he realised that the woman was thinking that he was referring to shaving his testicle !!! (That’s completely true – NOT made up). We all completely wet ourselves laughing. We are starting to act like a married couple now (no sex) as Richard is getting really narked with Darren pointing out road hazards every few minutes. It’s worse that when he’s got his Mum in the car !! Also Darren constantly moans at the sat nav (we’ve named her Ballinda) and would rather read from the map as he doesn’t trust her.  Having said that he’s hardly been off the bloody phone ! Darren felt at home in the village of Willey because it was so small, like his ----. The village of Willey had no signs whatsoever, or at least they did until it seems that someone stole them as all that was left was the two posts you see below. Darren had a wee in a field of sheep today, however unlike Richard ALL the sheep winked at him!

Many thanks to Robert Young, Linda and Dave Allsopp at the Nuthall Pub in Nuthall. They let us use the pub to have our photos done for the Nottinghamshire Evening Post .

MEDIA:- Nottingham Evening Post, Derby Evening Telegraph.

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Arrrhhhhh.......sleepy head....

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Dazza pumps up his sagging ball.

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Linda at the Nuthall (wearing a lovely matching pink blouse) couldn't wait to get her hands on our balls !

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Lee, Simon & Keith from Jackson Decorators check their paintballs!

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Day 5

Richard woke up with a woman this morning. It was Darren. He was so finicky about his hair, clothes, underwear etc...etc.... He even asked  “does my bum look big in this?”. But to be fair this was “This Morning” with Phil and Fern. This rubbed off on Richard slightly, as he commented on how soft the water was and how this affected his hairstyle. Our chauffeur turned up an hour early and waited patiently outside for Diva Daz. We had a nice lot of banter with Phil from Simpsons Chauffeurs. We arrived at the studios and immediately started talking to two autograph hunters waiting outside. They asked if Darren was on “Britain’s Got Talent” !! We entered the tradesman’s entrance (next time perhaps around the front) and got checked through security and taken into the green room. We met Jeremy Clarkson’s mum Shirley, who was there to promote her new book. She is a Lovely lady with a great sense of humour. We also saw Martina Navratilova and Petula Clark and course Dr Chris. Everyone loved the pink balls and we’re getting a bit jealous of them! In true Darren style, in make up he asked if his testicle needed any blusher (see picture below). Phil, Fern and Dr Chris were really nice people and made us both feel completely comfortable and we practically had free run of the studio to watch everything going on, whilst sitting on their sofa. Big thanks to Mads at “This Morning” for making us feel at home (she was the one on the phone yesterday! See day 4) Ever the salesman, Darren left a copy of his book with all the stars. The testicle model that was used during the interview was kindly donated to The Testicle Tour by Dr Chris, who we hope to see again on tour around Manchester.

We had a very long drive back to Yorkshire and stopped at Donington services and got talking to David Dempsey, Dave Woodward and Nicola Connor from Transys Projects and had a good laugh with them as you can see from today’s pictures. We finally got to the hotel at about 9.00pm and posted this to keep our diary fans happy !  ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz

MEDIA:- Live appearance on ITV's "This Morning" in case message not received(!) ; BBC Radio Sheffield (live). Sheffield Star, Doncaster Star. BBC Essex radio live update.

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The Diva in makeup...

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The Pink Balls getting too big for their boots in the green room

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Daz and Rich on THE sofa !!

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Lovely guy - Dr Chris and Dazza

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The Guys from Transys Projects. (Above & Below)

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Darren's Womble

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Day 6

We had a lay in today and didn’t wake up until 9.00 am. Nice. Still completely knackered, we were both a bit tetchy. We got lost on the way to Willitoft, our first stop and had to rely on a good old fashioned map. Like the old married couple we’re becoming, we bickered all the way about what route to take etc. At one point with the car stopped, Richard opened the door and stormed off in a huff, saying “I’m going home”. Of course this was before he realised he was in the middle of nowhere. Unlike proper old married couples, we had a good laugh pretty much immediately after. We then had a mad dash to Leeds for a radio interview. After Darren’s recorded interview in Leeds, we needed to look for food as hadn’t eaten at all so far and it was 1.00pm already! Richard had found a place to park, but had no change. He went into a nearby restaurant to get some and not having any change, they agreed to give us a few coins and we’d have lunch there. We had the best “home made” char grilled burgers ever tasted. Absolutely superb. It’s a really nice friendly place to eat and to our surprise Samantha told us that our lunch was on them. Really grateful for that Sam and we hoped you liked our mini review for your great Argentinian restaurant ( After that we drove to Bolton Percy to meet the local papers photographer. It was raining cats and dogs. Really heavy and we got absolutely soaked through as did our balls. This village was in the middle of nowhere, yet to our surprise a car pulled over driven by a local girl called Stephanie, who told Darren she’d seen him on “This Morning” and told us that everything we’re doing is great. She couldn’t stop for long as was getting ready for her Ball (rather aptly!). At a post office we had to stop at Darren bought himself a Yorkie chocolate bar, because he thought that he’s a real man. Yeah right, a real man doesn’t have one testicle, a pair of man boobs and regularly tucks his willy between his legs whilst shouting “I’m a laydee”. Next time a Galaxy would be more suitable. Must go now. Darren’s just farted and it stinks.

MEDIA:- BBC Radio York (live), BBC Radio Leeds (Recorded in studio for broadcast Monday), York Press newspaper, Yorkshire Post.

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Found it at last !!!

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Wet Bollocks. Dicky’s one has shrunk.

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Micky Mouse in Baldersby?

Day 7

We’re definitely becoming like a married couple as over a pint last night Richard commented on how much better Darren’s hair looks without product. In addition to that we keep pointing out the lovely scenery to each other all day today! At the first stop in Cockfield it was absolutely freezing and very windy. We froze our nut / nuts off ! On the way to Newcastle Darren practised his Geordie accent until Richard politely pointed out that he sounded Welsh (sheep influence again). Not many men to talk to today, so Darren stopped off to ask a horse if he checked his knackers. The horse replied “Neigh” so Darren gave him a leaflet. We got a great response in Percy Main, with people waving, cars tooting and even a thumbs up from a female bus driver. We had to travel through the Tyne tunnel to get there, however the sat nav tried to take us back through after Percy Main, but we didn’t have any change whatsoever. The police woman manning the toll booths stopped all the traffic so we could make a U-turn and take an alternative route. We went along our favourite road of the trip so far today. The A69 took us all the way.....and when we got to the end, we were very relieved. Richard had a post A69 fag. Along this road we couldn't resist stopped at an extra place - Hadrian's Wall !!

Darren’s head has grown a couple more millimetres today, as he was recognised twice. The first time was from a guy in McDonalds and the second in tonight’s Travelodge by an elderly “fan”. Darren got his balls out for her and the receptionist.

PS. Sorry about the “Neigh” joke. Darren insisted.

MEDIA:- BBC Radio Cumbria (live), BBC Radio Stoke (Pre-record for Saturday show), Newcastle Cronicle, BBC Radio Humberside.

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Well Hadrian’s wall is 2000 years old! All these years Darren thought it was called Hadrian's Ball.

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Caught Darren playing with his balls in the car

Day 8

We arrived earlier than expected in Blackpool last night. We drove up and down the Golden Mile loads of times. It was very windy and overcast. Horrible in fact Darren refused to stand out of the sunroof holding a pink ball as planned, as he didn’t want to ruin his hair. After waiting for the place to get lively, we made an executive decision not to talk to the Stag parties, as many of them were already very, very drunk and dragging their knuckles along the ground! As a result we really did not feel safe. We had dinner in Pizza Hut (again!) and saw a famous rugby player called Jason Robinson with his young Son. We didn’t approach him for a photo, as we know how it feels being famous and pestered when you’re trying to eat a 12” meat feast (Oooo Errr). Big thank you to the staff at Blackpool Travelodge (Neil, Roz and Dave) who made us feel very welcome, particularly when we had a quiet drink just before bed. We’re really getting old now, as all the youngsters were just going out ! Darren had to wake up today at 7.00am to do a live interview and Richard was so tired, that he slept right through this, even though Darren is virtually shouting down the phone in these interviews!

We had an extra place to visit called “Nob End” in Bolton that we had suggested along the way, but there were no signs once we arrived. However, we made some new friends from Nob End. They were Renee Mills, Louise and Tiggy Ingham. They class themselves as Nod Enders. Rene made us both our first proper cup of coffee since we left home and Louise and Tiggy offered to prove the existence of Nob End in the photo below. We stopped for a couple of hours in Nutsford, because we had arranged to meet Mike and Julia Curtis. Mike is a member of the “one ball” club after being diagnosed with testicular cancer recently. We all drove around the town beeping our horns to get attention, before parking just outside the “Knutsford Wine Bar” . We spent a lot of time here, talking to passersby and handing out flyers. Whilst Richard was grafting for the charity, Darren was getting lots of women to feel his testicles (don’t worry Sarah, it was the testicle model, not his real lonely nut). We found the staff at the wine bar really nice and they even charged our camera for us whilst we were there. Met a nice couple called Chris Royal and Rachel Rathbone who stayed there with us for the duration and kindly agreed to hand out lots of flyers to their colleagues at work. We really enjoyed our time in Knutsford. It is full of really nice people and would recommend it to anyone visiting the area. Also big thanks to Mike and Julia for all their support today raising awareness and handing out flyers.

MEDIA:- BBC Radio Humberside(Live)

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Mike, Darren and their "Wombles"

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Mike and Julia Curtis

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Rachel and Chris. Chris from Knutsford says "Check your nuts!"

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These girls from Knutsford also say "Check your nuts!"

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Didn't find a village sign here, but found these !!

Day  9

We awoke at just gone 9. Not exactly at the crack of Dawn ;-).... We did a quick Google search before we left the Hotel and found our story on a Texas USA newspaper blog ! World domination to the Testicle Boys. We’re thinking of touring Thailand next year, to make sure the lady boys are checking their bits (well Darren is anyway).  We had a nightmare at the village of Ball, where we found out from a local man, that it had disappeared (like Darren’s ball) quite a few years ago. It was swallowed up by Maesbury and the only reference to it now is the old Pub below. Thanks to Ross Jones the landlord for allowing us to take pictures. Whilst driving around in Shropshire, we slipped into Wales and noticed that the sheep were very flirty around there and we’re sure they were wearing lippy! We were on our way to the Golden Ball Pub in Ironbridge, when we noticed a sign for “Knockin”. We looked at each other and had the same thought. We just had to find a shop in Knockin. What a blinding executive decision this turned out to be! You just couldn’t make this up! See photo below.

We arrived at the Golden Ball Pub whilst it was raining. Gloomy in the inside it was not. We met several regular drinkers and the bar staff and they kindly agreed to pose for us outside their Pub. Thanks for making us welcome girls and guys! We then made our way to Willey where we found the sign very tiny and round, in fact hardly visible. Again Darren felt very at home. Boris Johnson beware – a new mayor of London is coming your way on Friday....(See picture for yet another detour)

MEDIA:- Northern Echo & BBC Radio Shropshire (1 live interview and 4 news bulletins)

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Dick Whittington on his long round trip to London.

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Darren was gutted. It was closed.

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As we said, you just can’t make this stuff up !!

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The village sign was so small, not even a macro setting could catch it !

Day 10

Had another lie in today as this tour is really hard work and is very draining on our poor bodies. I’m sure we are losing weight because of the hard graft we are putting in. We have to keep stopping at McDonalds and Burger Kings to re-fuel and to make sure we don’t waste away. However, we always go for the healthy options in these fast food establishments. We always insist we have extra lettuce in our extra large, doubled up burgers with bacon and fried egg. Oh, and we only have chips every other day. We are sure you can clearly see how thin we have become since the tour started.

Got lost on our way to Bell End and we ended up driving down dark narrow country lanes with wild spiralling foliage on either side and tall thick trees trying to grab the car with their branches. Hold on, what are we writing here, a novel. Sorry, this is Darren’s creative writing streak coming out in the diary. We eventually found Bell End after stopping at the Bell pub and asking for directions. The pub landlord, Robin Carter, informed us we were actually in Bell End but unfortunately there weren’t any village signs as they get nicked too often. What is it with these people that insist on coming to rude sounding villages just for a giggle!!! They should be ashamed of themselves. Anyway, Robin said that he had a village sign in his garage and that we could use this in our photo. Thanks to Robin, we managed to take a really cracking photo of our time in Bell End. Cheers Robin.

We then made a detour to a village not far away from Bell End. It was called Lickey End, yes Lickey End. We couldn’t resist this place, it was too good to turn down. Again no village sign, so had to make do with the Lickey End Workmans Club.

We them made a detour to a road name called Cockshot Road. Again too good to turn down. Of course it had nothing to do with the fact that the Worcester Standard only agreed to do a piece in their paper if we went there. However, the more media coverage of the tour the better.

We then had to go to a recording studio to do a piece for BBC Radio Hereford and Worcester. Got lost again and Darren ended up walking into a private school for girls. Not sure having “The Testicle Tour” and “Never Mind your Bollocks” on his t-shirt made a good impression with the head-mistress, although all the school girls asked their teacher if they could add “The study of male genitalia” to the curriculum from now on.

Eventually arrived at studio and Darren had to wear some headphones for the interview. Darren panicked because he was worried the headphones would muck up his hair. In fact he nearly stormed out shouting “Now look here luvvie, I didn’t have this crap with Phil and Fern”. However, the interview went ahead after Darren realised he could wear the headphones without them mucking up his hair. Tart.

Richard is fed up with Darren’s constant moaning and points out every time he does so. Trouble is Darren moans every time Richard points out he’s moaning and we end up going round in circles. A partner moaning at their partner every minutes or so. This sounds sounds like........MARRIAGE. Oh my days, we are now officially a married couple and it’s another double bed in the hotel....Aaaargh!!

Meeting up with an old mate in Cheltenham tonight, Joff Fitch. He has said he’ll make a donation of £100 if Darren doesn’t moan for at least ten minutes. No chance.

#Sorry about the length. He’s a writer don’t you know...(Rich)

MEDIA:- BBC Radio Hereford & Worcester, Worcester Standard.

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Day  11

Our mate Joff took us out to show us the delights of Cheltenham last night. It was great to see him; first time since he left Clacton and got married! We had a great night thanks mate and Richard even bumped into a Financial Adviser colleague Chris who is pictured below singing “Great balls of fire” at a local karoke bar to honour the tour.  When strolling back to the car, we came across the “Everyman Theatre” in Cheltenham. I bet the Everyman Male Cancer Campaign guys didn’t know that ! By the way if you haven’t sponsored us yet, please do.... EVERY POUND DONATED SAVES A BOLLOCK !!!

First stop today was Lower Swell in Gloucestershire, probably the most appropriate name for our tour. The village even had a pub called “The Golden Ball Inn” and we had our photo taken with this really pretty pub in the Cotswolds. Thanks to Sue Lockyer and the landlord Steve for allowing us to have our photo taken. Whilst in Lower Swell, Darren was recognised yet again by a swooning female fan that had seen his testicle on live TV. Richard commented that people only recognise Darren because his face looks exactly the same as his testicle. Wrinkly and hairy! Not many men to talk to in Lower Swell so Darren asked a female cow if she checked her other half’s bullocks. She just chewed some grass and then dropped half a tonne of cow crap. We took that as a no. Darren still moaning as much as ever today. Richard has experience of dealing with these sorts of issues and promptly gave Darren a therapy session on being more optimistic. It seems to have done the trick as Darren hasn’t moaned for a while. Hold on, Darren has just moaned that there are too many hills around Somerset and that he can’t get a bloody signal on his mobile whilst talking to the media. Quote from Darren “I bet Phil and Fern don’t have to put up with this crap”. Quote from Richard “Of course they don’t Darren, they have people to make their calls and they don’t bribe the press with a signed picture of their private bits”. Richard was hungry and fancied a healthy deli roll so we stopped off for lunch at a place we haven’t been to before. McDonalds (again). I think they should make a donation to the tour or at least donate 50 Big Macs and 100 Chicken Nuggets. (For Richard of course)I’ll use one of the nuggets down below to even things up a bit. The manager, Caroline Espach (who also recognised Darren from the TV) kindly gave us our meals cheaper than normal. See, fame does have its advantages when ordering from Ronald McDonald. The big question is, did Richard order a healthy deli French stick thing from Caroline? Richard’s precise order was an extra large Big Mac meal with six chicken nuggets. Darren’s order was a healthy chicken and bacon salad deli thing (WITH LASHINGS OF MAYONNAISE), with a large full fat coke. Make your own decision on who is the healthiest on this tour. Made a detour to BBC Radio Gloucester for an interview and the presenter of the Drive Time show, Anna King, insisted on Richard speaking also. Yipeeee, Richard did his first interview and boy he sounded posh. Richard really put Darren to shame with his intellectual tones and long words. Things were going really well until he mentioned the village of Nob End! You can take Richard out of Essex but you can’t take the Essex out of Richard. Have a listen to the interview on BBC Radio Gloucestershire. The Testicle Tour is also the “click of the day” on the website  They have cut the naughty names though. Must just say what a lovely lady Anna King is. Made us both feel very welcome and she loved touching the pink balls. The photographer who took our photo for their website was called David Bailey, yes David Bailey. Now the tour has hit the big time. Saw a funny sign in a village today. It said “Traffic Calming Measures in place”. Drove on a bit further and there were only two scousers with curly hair and black moustaches wearing shell suits shouting at the car “Calm down, calm down”. Unbelievable. The diary ends today with a personal message from Darren and Richard “WE ARE KNACKERED, BUT THE TOUR ROLLS ON”

MEDIA:- BBC Radio Somerset (live), BBC Radio Gloucester (pre-record) + website mention, Gloucestershire Echo.

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Our night out with Jofferlot (Do you think he looks like Ben Fogle?)

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and Chris singing "Great balls of Fire"

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Look at what we found "Everyman" !!

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Day 12

Darren saw a very rare sight in Pizza Hut last night. Richard with a leftover piece of meat feast on his plate and it actually stayed that way! Darren was going to leave a piece as well, however, temptation took over. It took seconds to wolf it down and then seconds for Darren to undo his belt to let his stomach breathe. Darren decided to shave this morning, as he wants to look his best (with the right length stubble) for the big day on Trafalgar Square. We left early today as we had a long winding trip through 6 counties and had to visit a massive 10 places in all. We had our first disappointment today. We couldn’t find any place name that referred to Red Ball in Devon. Darren asked a local couple if the place existed and they told us that it did, but unfortunately it was as small as Darren’s celebrity status. Oh well, 1 place out of 66 isn’t bad. Darren is definitely turning into the female partner in this “testicle marriage”. Darren constantly screams like a girl when he thinks Richard is going too fast in the car and he is also using girly words like “pretty, beautiful, gorgeous and ambience”. Darren even pointed out to Richard how wonderful the lavender fields looked in Sussex today.  Richard again stopped off to water the grass in the countryside and it was at this point Darren saw a huge chopper. No not Richards chopper, but a huge helicopter (a Chinook for all you plane/helicopter spotters). In fact we saw more choppers than a hen party in Blackpool. We made another great decision to divert again today, this time to Stonehenge (well it is a huge and very old erection). Our big pink balls attracted lots of attention from the tourists and hopefully we will be appearing on the nightly news in Outer Mongolia tonight. We tried to blag our way into Stonehenge (£6.50 each to get in) but they wouldn’t let us in for free. Can’t understand it. It’s part of our English Heritage, we are English, yet we have to pay to see our own history. Utter b*ll*cks. However ,we just parked the car up alongside a security fence and took a photo anyway. How many people can say they have seen two large pink testicles at Stonehenge? Not many, apart from the hundred or so there today. In fact most of the tourists were snapping away at our balls (ouch) instead of taking pictures of Stonehenge.  We loved it. We then had our photo taken with a Druid called Arthur Pendragon and his friend Naomi Fountain. Arthur and Naomi agree with us that Stonehenge should be free and Arthur’s message is simple “The English Heretics Society is a load of balls”. Nice one Arthur. Nutley was a strange place. We struggled to find any place names and although we gave up, the Sat Nav kept taking us back to the same place even though we had entered a postcode some miles away. We tried to leave the place again, but the same thing happened. Really spooky. After the third time we became a bit freaked out (Darren was screaming like a girl again and the tears made his mascara run), until suddenly we saw a sign in a deserted churchyard saying “Nutley Church”. Hurrah, success at last, but we swear it wasn’t there the time before. We took the photo and started reading the notice board that explained the history of Nutley Church and why it was no longer there. After several seconds we got to the writing that said the area we were standing on was haunted. Now make up your own minds, but was someone trying to tell us that there was a sign in Nutley and not to leave too soon. I think we need to get “Most Haunted” down here. Darren couldn’t take anymore and quickly hitched up his skirt and bolted back to the car. We then left the village with no more detours. We think the ghost was now happy, although Darren did moan “£10 quid for this mascara and some bloody spook has wasted it”. Richard thinks Darren may be starting his period soon!!

MEDIA:- BBC Radio Solent, BBC 3 Counties radio.

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Good game, good game !!

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This Pub used to be called The Red Ball, but the name has now vanished...

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Couldn't work out where they come from. Language Barrier!!

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Us, our balls, Arthur Pendragon and Naomi Fountain.

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Bet you've never seen this before at Stonehenge !!

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The "hidden" sign at the deserted site of the old Nutley Church.

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Apparently locals pronounce it "Coke-ing". Like Mrs Bucket from "Keeping up Appearances"

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Cross Balls...

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Not sure what Darren's doing to his ball. Too much time on the road?

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Day 13

It’s official. Darren started his period this morning and we had to divert to a chemist to stock up on womans things. Richard’s hayfever was bad today so he nicked two of the tampons to shove up his nose to stop it running and bingo it did the trick. All this time Richard has been sniffing and taking lots of tablets, yet two tampons cure it instantly. Goodbye Piriton for hayfever and hello Tampax. We visited another Nutley today and we are pleased to confirm we found this place so much easier than yesterday’s Nutley. This Nutley was so much easier to crack, he he. Richard brought two kingsize mars bars first thing this morning for the long journey today and insisted that they should only be eaten in an emergency in case we felt weak after all our hard work. Darren wolfed his down within 2 minutes and declared that this was an emergency seeing as he hadn’t his daily fix of a double sausage and egg McMuffin. Whilst in Sainsbury’s car park at midday (yes we actually had sandwiches for lunch for a change) a lady called Chris Robbins from Eastbourne General District Hospital popped over to see us for a chat and to see what “The Testicle Tour” was all about. Chris showed a lot of interest in what we aim to achieve and kindly took some flyers from us to distribute around the hospital. Chris works in the urology investigation suite and therefore has a common interest in testicular cancer awareness. Chris kindly posed for a photo with her hands firmly grasping the testicle model. Thanks for your help Chris and it was nice to meet you today. Whilst on the way to Cock Marling (wasn’t on our original list, nor were Lower Dicker and Upper Dicker) we happened to pass one of the best named roads in the world. Are you ready for this? The road was called “Dumb Woman’s Lane”. If you don’t believe us, see the picture below of a rather large breasted lady posing with the sign. Now of course we felt this road sign was an absolute disgrace and not fair to all you good ladies out there. There aren’t any dumb women in this world, no way. Now ladies, to prove you are not dumb, log on to , make a donation online and prove to us men that you can use a computer with ease. Thanks very much. We would just like to thank Uncle Joe as well for looking after our nuts for 2 weeks whilst we were on tour (the walnuts for the Trafalgar Square event, not our own nuts!) Whilst we were there today, Uncle Joe was chatted up by a drunk woman who said she would give him some loving for a can of Tennants. Uncle Joe bless him was disgusted by this and said surely she would do it for a can of Lilt instead. It took us 1 hour to drive 3 miles in London today. We’re not moaning though, as this meant we avoided the congestion charge and we used the £8 to buy Uncle Joe 4 cans of Tennants. We think he’ll be very busy tonight.

We can’t believe the tour is nearing an end. It was quite sad taking the last photo of the last place name today. Darren got quite choked and all emotional, but he blamed this on his period.  Right, an early night is in order. Big day tomorrow for the testicle tour boys. Darren’s such a tart that he’s polishing every individual walnut for the bath event.  Richard reckons he should polish his own nut a bit more often instead or at least wash it now and again.

MEDIA:- BBC Radio Essex (live update), The Brighton Argus, The Bromsgrove Standard.

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"Lower Dicky"

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"Upper Dicky"

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Ironic place name coz of the large overgrowing bush above the sign.

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Chris Robbins feeling our nuts!

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Says it all really. Just before the stop at the Chemist.

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Willesborough has no place name sign, but we spotted a virgin!

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Darren's Uncle Joey who looked after our nuts. There's a brilliant chapter in Darren's book involving Joey. Very funny. SO GO AND BUY IT!!

Day 14

Up at the crack of Dawn again! This time 6.00am and Darren (the perfectionist) was up until 11.30 polishing his nuts. Richard is definitely the man in this relationship, as he lied to Darren yesterday. After arriving in London and dropping off Darren and the luggage at the hotel, Richard went off to find a car park. He could only find one of the car parks suggested by the hotel, but decided not to tell Darren about it. It was under some dark dingy railway arches, with barely any light entering or escaping. Upon driving down a short tunnel, there was a group of foreign speaking blokes having a break from peddling their rickshaws around. Their only light was from the cut down oil barrel containing a fire (roasting their nuts presumably). Richard was spoilt for choice with parking spaces, with only 3 other cars visible inside. There was no concrete floor. Only what looked like levelled rubble. The parking attendant walked over. No uniform. No smart clothes. Not a great grasp of English. He said he would clamp the car for Richard. He of course agreed with some trepidation.  Richard walked quickly back to the Hotel with his fingers crossed and told Darren that the car was in a nice NCP car park that was completely locked all night and that had CCTV, alarms, 24 hour security etc. It was not a white lie, but a bloody great big dirty one. If Darren knew the truth he’d be having kittens all night! Luckily Darren had to stay with the luggage whilst Richard collected the car. Even luckier, the car was still there and fully intact, so he never knew (until now) just how bad it was! Richard & Darren arrived at Trafalgar Square at about 7.30am and then the worrying about the bath arriving in time. It did thankfully. Darren climbed in and we filled it with the nuts. Shortly after several photographers turned up to take pictures to send to all the national newspapers. Darren just sat there and ordered everyone about in his normal diva way. After about an hour of sitting in the bath, Darren complained of cramp and ordered all his lowly subjects to remove every nut from the bath whilst he stretched his legs and then demanded that they place every nut perfectly back in the bath around him. One appearance on BBC Look East and ITV’s This morning and he thinks he’s bloody Dale Winton. The girls from the Everyman charity turned up. Everyone helped all through the morning, especially Darren’s sister Lee. She loves men. She approached two guys and started to talk to them about their nuts. They told her that they were gay and checked each others, but not wanting to lose a lead she continued to suggest that they also need a good woman (like her) to check them properly as well. All this happened as they were walking away and best of all, it’s all on video. She looked desperate. Especially when they said they didn’t want a Grandma checking their nuts. Quality. A great day was had by all which finished in Dirty Dicks pub near Liverpool Street. This was where Darren and Richard had their first bite to eat since the solitary muffin consumed about 11.00am, along with a few beers of course.

MEDIA:- Various Freelance photographers! Photos for Nuts magazine.

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Darren attracts all sorts.....

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Darren's Column...

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Gabby and Tatyana from Everyman

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The bath gets filled...

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Photos for the National Gallery Museum Staff Union magazine

(They were on strike that day!)

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Richard's revolutionary new hayfever cure! Proof that Darren had started his period that morning...

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All the girls from Everyman: Gabby, Tatjana and Domonique.

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Two of Darrens many, many Aunties

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A visiting School party. Very Educational!

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An ariel view, before I fell off the concrete lumpy thingy

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Notice how all the men avoid Lee!

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Another supporter! No further comment needed...

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James does his stuff...

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The only photo we took inside the Bank Of Scotland.

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Just what you expect to find outside Dirty Dicks!

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An intellectual chat (not)

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Dirty Daz does a Dirty Den in Dirty Dicks!

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Lee gets "oiled"!

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Lee with her "Grand" daughter Aimee

Day 15

Home at long last! What a difference sleeping in your own bed. Heaven. Of course after being away for two weeks Darren and Richard’s Wives were very keen to welcome them home properly, but of course they were far too tired. Or were they?

We had a bit of an easier start to the day today. Stars in the Little Clacton carnival (or the Testicle Tour homecoming parade as the boys liked to call it). We then went onto the Engaines School Fete. Left with 25Kgs of Walnuts from the bath event on Trafalgar Square, Richard had the idea to sell the nuts for £1 donation per bag. Even though the nuts had been sitting in a bath with Darren for 5 hours on a very hot sunny London day, half of them sold! Mind you, Richard didn’t actually mention that on the sign. Buy hey; they are now very famous nuts now! (Caveat Emptor - Buyer Beware) The lifelike testicles weren’t taken out of the box much today. We didn’t feel it was appropriate with so many young kiddies around. Although thinking about it, that didn’t stop Darren getting them out for loads of school children at Trafalgar Square yesterday, much to the squirming of their teachers! We looked forward to a nice quiet evening it at home vegging out in front of the telly tonight.

MEDIA:- Photographs for Clacton Gazette.

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Unfortunately no photos of the carnival at the moment, as Lee had the camera, did something weird to the settings and was too hungover to make the carnival anyway! If you have any, please email them !!

Day 16 – The final

We had an early start today for our big day in Clacton Town centre. The final event – PHEW!

We arrived in a sun drenched Clacton albeit a bit windy and Darren unlocked the bollards to let the car through to set up next up next to the fountain. After unlocking them, he dropped them into the hole and subsequently got completely soaked by the water that was showered all over him. Darren moaned that the water was brown and smelly, which is understandable as most of the people that pour out of the clubs and pubs use the town centre square as a toilet. Wish we had the camera out. Darren literally dropped a bollard and not for the first time. We called over 3 PCSOs and had a nice long chat with photos. The PCSOs say “Keep your eye on your bollocks or they’ll get nicked in Clacton!” The sun continued all morning and we had fantastic support from all the locals and day visitors alike and even a bit of discount on our lunch from McDonalds – thanks! Clacton people were keen to buy our nuts, and they knew about where they’d been! After lunch this big dark cloud passed over, the wind got up (and not just in Darren’s pants) and the rain came down. On top of this, unbelievably the car battery went dead and we couldn’t even open the locked doors to shelter. Typical, 3000 miles around the UK and as soon as we stop in Clacton town centre the car dies on us! We had to call out the Mercedes recovery service to jump start us and the guy turned up in a massive recovery truck and had to try and get through the bollards (which Darren had to unlock yet again and made the same mistake as earlier getting soaked yet again) After getting the car started we had to leave it running for the rest of the afternoon to charge the battery up. Earlier when stuck in the car watching the rain fall, Darren said he’d run through the fountain stark naked if the sun came out. Pessimistic as ever! Half hour later it did for about 5 seconds, but he bottled out. The only way to see this now is to get on YouTube and start clicking. Still, not much chance of that now as the video has not even made 1000 hits, let alone 10,000 thank goodness! We had to leave about an hour earlier than planned because it was so cold and windy, but wanted to visit Richard’s Auntie Jackie who missed all the local tour events as was taken into hospital with severe gastroenteritis Friday evening. That’s the thing about Richard’s family, they can’t just have a tummy bug, it’s got to be something bigger! Bit like Richard’s Brother Michael who slipped over at a foam party in Ibiza. Most people would end up with a bruise. Not Michael. He ended up on hospital for a week with bleeding on the brain! And he was 35 at the time!

That’s the tour over now. But is that the awareness over? Of course it’s not. Darren and Richard always talk bollocks.

MEDIA:- Interview for Clacton Gazette.

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Our PCSOs with their helmets...

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Will Darren get arrested for indecency?

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Thanks for taking this picture Richard's Dad!

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Lorraine from the Gazette. She can interview us anytime!

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Richard's Wife Dawn and youngest Daughter Caitlin (the eldest Brittany didn't want her picture taken on the balls) Now you know his Wife's name, you might get the private jokes in previous days blogs.....

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Tammy enjoys bouncing on our balls!

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You didn't believe us did you !!! What a mare!

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Message recieved and understood by the Clacko Crew.

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Auntie Jackie checks out her Nephews testicles. Very Close family!